You don’t know me, but apparently I live in your neck of the woods. I know this because you interrupted the episode of Friends I was watching last night on TBS (or as we call it in The Industry, “The Superstation”) with your Local Car Dealership Promo. Presumably to Hoot at me repeatedly. Rest assured, I got the message.
Yes, I will go on a date with you.
And not just because you look kind of like Mary-Louise Parker. Though that certainly helps. I am also very impressed with your abilities. First of all, in all of the Thirty Seconds that I’ve known you, you’ve gone above and beyond any performance Ms. Parker has ever given, with an equal, if not greater, amount of Doe-Eyed Charm. Secondly, though I’m not normally into Ladies in Red (they remind me alternately of Cylons and Adult Contemporary Music), I was floored by your grace and poise while giving a painfully detailed tour of what seems to be The Most Soul-Crushing Workplace in the Five Boroughs. You really had me going there for a minute – I was almost convinced that maybe buying a Honda was a good decision for someone in this town and this economy.
You should be playing Hedda Gabler! And then maybe we can attend awards shows together and look incredibly awkward, because it’s really not our thing. This could be us!
But then we could go home and Make Romance, though I would have to ask you not to Summon your Giant Owl Friend. I know he’s your Familiar or whatever, but those eyes…I just feel like he’s leering at me. Even when his head is rotated 180 degrees in the other direction. They’re piercing. And not in the sultry way yours are.
I mean, if it helps you Get There, maybe I’ll consider it, but we’ll have to have a conversation about me, you, and a Big Foam Finger. Just for the sake of Fair Play and all that. On second thought, you know what? Maybe this isn’t the best forum for this talk. We’ll save it for later, okay?
All I’m saying is think about it. Me and You, Bay Ridge Honda Girl. It’s the Wise Move.
Open ’til Midnight,